I once lived with a person who was diagnosed with depression.
They also worked with self-harm, addiction, borderline personality disorder and lived a very unhealthy lifestyle. Some of those things I knew about and some I didn’t, but what I experienced left a lifelong impression on how its possible to live with someone battling their own mind and not understand it completely. When during a talk show, the family is asked, ‘How did you NOT know this was happening?’ I totally understand how they didn’t know.
What I didn’t understand was how my boyfriend processed his thoughts. He would repeatedly try to explain to me what his experience was and desperately wanted me to understand, but I just couldn’t. I tried everything I could to pull him out of his depression, but the more I tried the worse it got. I felt like my brain kept hitting this wall preventing me from comprehending what his experience was like! Even my feigning at understanding fell flat and it was like we were speaking two different languages. He knew I didn’t get it.
How it was possible he could be in the same room having a completely different experience than me? The closest comparison I have now is the show Stranger Things. The way he would describe his experience reminds me much like living in the Upsidedown. Because while the sun is shining for me, it’s all cloudy and grey for him. Food tastes differently, clothes feel differently, the weight of a word hits differently. And there’s no way to predict when that’s going to happen.
I think we both always knew we would never end up together, even when things we’re ok, ultimately were still very different people who wanted different things. Sometimes he would make predictions or prophesize our futures and as the relationship optimist I would roll my eyes.
I could write off my inability to relate because I was young (in my early 20s) with no understanding or training on how to deal with someone like this, but my situation wasn’t unique. Many, many people live with loved ones who battle mental health with no training or understanding. Sometimes they don’t even know the person is working with a mental health issue until much later. That was true for my experience. He wasn’t diagnosed with BPD until after we finally broke up. I knew he worked with depression, I knew about the cutting, but the overarching diagnosis, wasn’t until much later.
One of the best things I think an outsider can do is to acknowledge when you don’t understand but remain open to listening. I believe it was Deborah Adele who likened the act of listening to being a sanctuary for the other person’s thoughts. But can you be an ear without trying to fix or compare? Can you listen for listening’s sake?
One of the biggest takeaways for me after this experience was: I couldn’t see what I couldn’t see. And that wasn’t my fault, but this idea allows me some grace moving forward to understand that there could be a different perspective and to hold space for it.
In the end, we were not right for each other, so we parted ways. I haven’t talked to him in many years, and I imagine our lives look very different from each other, but every now again one of his predictions rings true and I think of him and wish him well.
I once lived with a person who was diagnosed with depression.
They also worked with self-harm, addiction, borderline personality disorder and lived a very unhealthy lifestyle. Some of those things I knew about and some I didn’t, but what I experienced left a lifelong impression on how its possible to live with someone battling their own mind and not understand it completely. When during a talk show, the family is asked, ‘How did you NOT know this was happening?’ I totally understand how they didn’t know.
What I didn’t understand was how my boyfriend processed his thoughts. He would repeatedly try to explain to me what his experience was and desperately wanted me to understand, but I just couldn’t. I tried everything I could to pull him out of his depression, but the more I tried the worse it got. I felt like my brain kept hitting this wall preventing me from comprehending what his experience was like! Even my feigning at understanding fell flat and it was like we were speaking two different languages. He knew I didn’t get it.
How it was possible he could be in the same room having a completely different experience than me? The closest comparison I have now is the show Stranger Things. The way he would describe his experience reminds me much like living in the Upsidedown. Because while the sun is shining for me, it’s all cloudy and grey for him. Food tastes differently, clothes feel differently, the weight of a word hits differently. And there’s no way to predict when that’s going to happen.
I think we both always knew we would never end up together, even when things we’re ok, ultimately were still very different people who wanted different things. Sometimes he would make predictions or prophesize our futures and as the relationship optimist I would roll my eyes.
I could write off my inability to relate because I was young (in my early 20s) with no understanding or training on how to deal with someone like this, but my situation wasn’t unique. Many, many people live with loved ones who battle mental health with no training or understanding. Sometimes they don’t even know the person is working with a mental health issue until much later. That was true for my experience. He wasn’t diagnosed with BPD until after we finally broke up. I knew he worked with depression, I knew about the cutting, but the overarching diagnosis, wasn’t until much later.
One of the best things I think an outsider can do is to acknowledge when you don’t understand but remain open to listening. I believe it was Deborah Adele who likened the act of listening to being a sanctuary for the other person’s thoughts. But can you be an ear without trying to fix or compare? Can you listen for listening’s sake?
One of the biggest takeaways for me after this experience was: I couldn’t see what I couldn’t see. And that wasn’t my fault, but this idea allows me some grace moving forward to understand that there could be a different perspective and to hold space for it.
In the end, we were not right for each other, so we parted ways. I haven’t talked to him in many years, and I imagine our lives look very different from each other, but every now again one of his predictions rings true and I think of him and wish him well.